Me and Sree

(I wrote most part of this note on Jan 1, in a personal e-mail addressed to a few friends. I have edited it a bit, have added the experiences of the days that went by in the new year, and have also tried to address the kind of direct and indirect reactions to that note.)

Myself and Sreejitha have been trying to live together for four years now. It was difficult for us as it is for any two persons. Both us put a lot of efforts to pull it through despite differences, we stretched ourselves to accommodate each other and define a space together for the two of us (and later for the three of us). And now we have reached a point when we feel it is in the best interests of the relationship that we live in separate spaces.

It was my decision more than Sreejitha's, as it had become near impossible for me to live in such a physical space, putting in a lot of energy into that relationship, since I felt I did not have much space in this relationship at this moment.

Yes, one thing we still talked was the household. And I do not want to undermine the importance of managing the household. But I felt I could manage the household better if I did not live with Sreejitha. I could cook more often, I could wash my own clothes.. because I do not have to spend a lot of energy trying to sync myself with another person who is more or less completely living in a different world.

I have spent four years spending so much of my time and energy in this relationship, and let me add that I do not regret that. I think I have gained a lot from this relationship, as did Sree. In fact, I do feel good that we have reached a point where Sreejitha has become more of a person (in her own choice of words). This is a point when I can afford to think of leaving her to herself.

One reaction that Sree got was that "one should invest in the relationship". To that I would ask, is a relationship only about being together? Is it not possible that a relationship fares better when separated physically? That two people can understand each other better, understand where the relationship stays now and understand where can these two people go forward from here?

I know there are many people who do stay together in even more stagnated stages, but it is just that I do not find it worth two lives. I do not consider this parting of ways an end of the relationship, nor do I want to call it a 'break-up'. We did not want our love and respect for each other to make way for intolerance and irritation with each other. We felt this is how the relationship can grow from where we were, and from my experience of the last few days I can tell you that this has indeed been the case. I am happy with that.

At some point we may get back to staying with each other again. Till then, let us both take separate courses in life. (pun intended).

Don't be jealous.

Yours
Sudeep

None of them is me (Female voice - Lyrics)

(at least as of now)
i can not be what i am
i can not just be me
i'm asked to play out a number of roles
none of them is me
so at least as of now
let me play out those roles
and do that in style..

stay away from me
stay away from me
i'd rather not have you near
when i can not be me

(i can take a back-seat
show cold storage to dreams
it sure does burn me, but
i will pretend it does not)

i love you dear, but the world won't let me have you
i love you dear, but reality kills me
i am dead, but i don't want you to die
and
i can't stand you seeing me die..

i can feel the pain
that you are through
but there will be a time
when you come to terms with it
and then come out of it..
(i know, with some deep wound scars
that make good identity marks..)

leave me to burn alone
leave me on my own
i have to be cruel to tell
don't care for me..

i love you dear, but the world won't let me have you
i love you dear, but reality kills me
i am dead, but i don't want you to die
i am dead, and i want you alive..

(for R)

Oru Snehabandhatthin..

Mother died on March 6.

She is now with me more than she ever was.

Below is a favourite song of hers. I remember her singing it very often in our younger days. She identified very much with this song. Of a lady who went searching for love but never found it. If anyone remembers the missing two lines, please fill in.

Love in (and after) the time of Innocence

I remember one my friend telling about the love of his early college days, when he was sixteen or seventeen. Passionately in love with a girl in his class (and unable to convey his feelings) he would sing "Main duniyaa bhulaa dungaa.. / Teri chaahat mein.." (Aashiqui was hot then.)

When the girl started seeing someone else, the track changed to "Ab tere bin / Jee lenge hum.. / Zeher zindagii ka / Pee lenge hum.."

* * *

I'm sure most of you would agree it is diffucult to love like we do at that age -- as we become, well, mature. (We are becoming marichor -- the dead, not mature, as another friend puts it).

It does make sense to me when someone says she is not immature enough to love, nor mature enough for it. So is the case with me, as with many others.

We can not hope to go back to the innocence, or rather naiveness, of our pre-degree days. Yet we can not deny the role of those naive days in what becomes of us in the later years of life. We realize many of the assumptions on which we based what we called love were wrong. We grow up to a better understanding of the world and our own self. More often than not with a bitterness somewhere inside -- a fear of the other, fear of oneself. It does not matter whether you "won" the love or lost it.

So what is it to be able to love without fear?

I love these (oft-quoted) words of Gibran, and envy those who can love.

["Elevation of the self": painting by Gibran]

* * *

Picture ki heroine jhoot bol rahi hai
Kismat se tum humko mile hain
Andar ki andar woh bol rahi hogi
Sach to ye hai
Kismat se hum tumko mile hai

[Thanks to Manaswini who once goofed the lyrics]

Pyaar ke Side/Effects

A friend, who used to spend virtually all day and all night actively on the web, says he does not check mail often now, and if he gets a spare hour, he'd rather sleep it.

That was a pleasant surprise.

There's reason to believe it has something to do with the relationship he's in. Cheers to the woman who made the impossible possible.

Love does have its side effects.

I like you as a friend!

One my friend is having a tough time phrasing a reject.

"I like you as a friend" and "I can not see you like that" are sure flops, and tying a Rakhi on the Raksha Bandhan day would be worse. If you think you're imaginative and you could help her, please give your ideas in the comments section below.

* * *

Talking of Raksha Bandhan, my friend read out this sms he got from some mobile number.

"Mere pyare bhaiyya,
Mera mobile kharab ho gaya hai isiliye mein inke phone se message bhej rahi hun. Aapko Raksha Bandhan ke shubhkamnayein."

I almost started wondering why he had to read this out to me, and he read the rest of the message, "Aapki pyari behen, Mallika Sherawat".:-)

Akale Snehathil Ninnum

My friend sends me this..

All You who Sleep Tonight
by Vikram seth

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

-Version in Malayalam-

akale snehathil ninnum
ethra ethra akaleyanu ningal.
arikukalil thangukalillathe,
mukalil anantha soonyatha.

ekammallennu mathram
ariyuka. lokam muzhuvan
ee kanneril cherunnu-
chilar onno rando
dinasandhyakal mathram.
mattu chilar kanneerinte
varshangalil eppozhum ennekkum.